Do I have a generous heart?

How often do I spend time serving others, especially if it’s in a way that won’t be noticed?

How regularly do I give financially to others?  To my church?  To charities?  Do I even give at all?  If I don’t, am I truly honest about why I don’t?

Am I willing to comfort another even if it means discomfort for me?

Am I willing to offer time, energy, or money towards a need, even if I’m not personally benefiting?

Do I pray just as much for others and their needs as I do for myself?

Do I show interest in others?  Am I willing to reach out?  Do I hide behind excuses like lack of time, not my gift, I’m shy, or I don’t know how?

Tags: questions

How do you maintain balance between being a mom, wife, and individual woman.  A lot of girlfriends of mine tend to lose themselves to their family, but you seem to have a healthy balance of friends and family.  That must be difficult with 6 kids?!?!

You’re right, it is difficult.  It’s also necessary.  I find that maintaining balance is especially important as a home schooling mom, as I am with my children all. day. long.

It is my firm belief that for the most part, we find the time for that which we want to make time for.  In other words, even when things are crazy busy, we tend to make time for the things that we really want to do.  When someone says they don’t have time for something, what they mean is, they are choosing to do something else with their time.  I say all of this only because it is a constant struggle to keep my priorities straight.  Remembering that what I do with my time is ultimately my choice helps me fill it first with good and needful things.

If I am not constantly and purposely managing my time, you can be sure that it will be swallowed up by a million little demands that fill a day and my own selfish pursuits, instead of remaining balanced as each role is nurtured.  It is recognizing an actual need for a conscious attempt to direct my time, instead of letting it direct me.

In addition, it is acknowledging the fact that while one role is not more important than the other, they do demand different levels of time, energy and attention.  One may have to take preference over the others at different times, simply due to logical limitations.  For instance, when I am busying the children in another room so that I can discuss something with my husband, there is no need for undue guilt, just as there is no need for shame when I take some time for myself apart from my husband and children.

This seems to be the most difficult thing for us as women to grasp.  It is far too easy to dive headlong into one role at the expense of others.  Constantly neglecting our personal needs in regards to hobbies or even health, or pouring ourselves into our children while our relationship with our husbands suffer is indeed a sad and all too common theme. 

It takes regular dedication to examining our goals in each sphere to insure proper tension between them all.

What has helped for me is to have a sort of rhythm to how each role is met.  There are the daily, weekly, and then the more long-term requirements.

First and foremost, I know that I need daily time in prayer and reading the Bible.  This is the biggest ongoing choice from which everything else flows.

From there, I have intention as a mom (weekly date with a child, consistent training, etc) as a wife (weekly date with my husband, daily connection and affection, satisfying and frequent sex, etc) and as an individual (writing, blogging, art, reading, friendships, time alone, etc).

Tags: questions, time management

You guys seem very musically inclined, are all of the kids interested in music too?  Do you see them all taking up an instrument or singing for fun as they grow up?

Chase plays the drums, and Skylar has learned a bit of guitar.  They all enjoy music very much and there is always someone singing somewhere in our house!

Robb and I never played any instrument before a few years ago.  (Well, besides a brief time of piano lessons for me when I was young.)  So we don’t push it on any of the children, beyond making it available to them and encouraging where we see talent.

Callahan, our youngest, just lights up when any music is played.  He has ended many evenings fast asleep on the couch, while drums bang and guitars play!

I would love to see them all have a passion for music, and we often talk about one day playing together as a family.

We welcome your questions!  Email me at tamra dot klaty at grandscapes dot com, or just leave it in the comments.  Or, if you’re reading this on Facebook, send me a message.

Tags: music, questions

Do you think you guys will stay in Michigan forever?  If you were to move, any place in particular?

I really do think we’ll always stay in Michigan. Our families are here, and we just really love Flint. But I also know enough now to never think I have any idea what the future holds!

Years ago, we considered purchasing another home in Florida.  That idea was put to rest, thank goodness.  I think the only other state that has ever come up in conversation is California.  I couldn’t even tell you why now.

Tags: questions

Best part of having six kids, and worst part about having 6 kids.

The best part is the attention.  The worst part… is the attention.

If we go anywhere with all of the kids, there is a plethora of responses.  Sometimes it leads to some fantastic conversations, with people expressing their appreciation, encouragement and admiration.  They tell us about their own family or another large family they know, or how much they love children.  Sometimes we end up talking quite a while about things such as babies, school or culture.

I love it.

Other times, you can feel the disdaining stares.  People have actually moved to a table further away from us when they saw us coming.  We’ve had restaurant hostesses and waitresses audibly sigh since they’re so put out with having to seat or wait on us.  I have to admit I then feel quite smug when somebody within their hearing distance compliments our children’s behavior.

You can’t really blame them, I know.  Most kids are pretty bratty and shouldn’t be taken out in public.  I feel sorry for the kids and it’s really their parents who could use a good smack to the side of their head.  But that’s another post for another time.

Then you get the comedians who think their tactless one-liners are actually unique.  (You know what causes that, don’t you?! Hardy har har.) You’re forced to endure their disparaging remarks mistaken for hilarity, trying to smile enough to be polite but not too much to actually encourage further oh-so-hysterical insults.

It’s the one time I don’t mind if the toddler shoots off a well-aimed handful of soggy snack.

Got a question for us?  Email it to tamra dot klaty at grandscapes dot com, or leave it in the comments.

Tags: questions

Will you encourage some/all of your children to go to college? Robb seems to have done just fine without it. And I’m sure each child will have different interests, etc, by that age. What is helping you, or will help you, make your decision on that matter?

While we aren’t against it, college is actually something that we probably won’t encourage.  College is great for those who need it for a specific occupation (doctor, etc) or is looking to create a network or gain a credential in order to work for someone else.   We lean towards entrepreneurship, and those skills are best learned outside a class setting.

These types of decisions have a lot to do with one’s definition of education.  Add that to the fact that I tend to agree with Seth Godin’s take on college textbooks, and college becomes a distant possibility instead of assumed necessity.

What would you be doing if you had no children?

If we were unable to have children of our own, I’m pretty certain that we would have adopted several.  We consider it even now, with six of our own!  Anyways..

Robb would likely be doing exactly what he is doing now, so this is more directed to me I suppose. Wow, it’s hard to say.  Before I had children I worked inside sales at a tool supply company.  I didn’t really enjoy it, and can’t imagine that I would still be doing something like that.  Robb has so many different business things going on, and so many more possibilities that he likely would grab if he wasn’t concerned about time away from the family.  So I think that I would probably be doing more things like that alongside him.

Or, maybe I’d be running my own health or natural baby/childcare store.

I’m sure I’d be spending more time pursuing my artistic interests like music and writing.  And I’d probably actually paint again.

Have a question for one or both of us?  Leave in the comments, send via email or facebook it.  And we might answer it.  If we feel like it.

Tags: questions

This will be the last issue of Answering your questions, at least for now.  If I didn’t get to yours and you’re really bummed at me, or there is something you still really want to ask, email me and I may reconsider.  Just for you.  Cuz you are special.

I would love to know your tips to training children? Your children are very sweet and after having 6 of them and different ages, I would love to hear pointers or how you deal with specific situations. For example training for first time obedience, what you do if/when your child talks back or questions why you tell them to do something.

Oooh, I always cringe a little when asked about child training.  Because that will be the moment one of my children will cause another to bleed, or will snark out a “Okaaay!” when reminded to unload the dishwasher, or experience a bad case of PHL (parentage hearing loss).

One of the biggest things that has worked for me is setting up ‘practice’ situations.  I believe it is really unfair to put a child in a situation for which they’re totally unprepared, and then expect them to behave appropriately.

(It’s right up there with never expecting them to behave appropriately, but that’s another subject.)

What I mean by practicing obedience is this.  Say I didn’t have internet access at home, and needed to spend a few hours a week at a coffee shop to complete my online work.  Now, it would be suicide to simply take my entire troop there and expect them to survive three hours in a small cafe.  I mean, even if they survived, the cafe would not.  And I would be barred for life from there.

Instead, I start practicing “Coffee Shop” here at home.  Beginning for about 20 minutes and working our way up to three hours, we would practice sitting at the table quietly.  I’d give them quiet activities, such as school work, drawing, coloring, stickers, puzzles, etc.  They would have to ask to use the bathroom, speak in a whisper, and keep their hands to themselves.

We did this in real life, and it was not unusual for us to spend five hours in the coffee shop.  Far from being difficult and harsh, going to the cafe was the highlight of their week!  Because they were prepared, and knew exactly what was expected of them.  The same goes for sitting in church, going to a nice restaurant, or greeting adults.  Practice it at home!

I also use this for safety issues as well.  Toddlers constantly putting small choke-threatening objects  in their mouth, the need to stay away from dangerous things (streets, ponds, glass, ovens), the need to remain in a safe area (on the porch, the living room, in my sight, a rug), etc.  I set aside time when I can remain calm and cheerful, and that I can focus on them and the specific issue.  And we practice.

As for first time obedience, we actually play a ‘game’ to enforce this. I give commands that they have to quickly and cheerfully reply, “Yes ma’am” and then obey.  I choose some silly things like stand on one leg, make a funny face, run to the door, etc and also some helpful things like put away the book, clean up the table, etc.  We usually have a lot of giggling going on during these times!

Okay, now you’re probably asking how to correct them during practice times when they aren’t behaving as expected.  This is where the training comes in.

When they put the button in their mouth, begin to leave the room, or don’t respond appropriately, there is a consequence.  During these times of training, it is a sweet but firm “No” and one simple swat with a switch.  Ah, gentle mother, it is just enough to get their attention.  Some children may not even cry, but they will pause and consider the cause/effect phenomenon that just took place.

Training should be calm, cheerful and simple.  No yelling.  Parents should not even raise their voice or change their expression much.  No frowning.  No unending warnings and threats.  And absolutely no counting to three.  Ugh.  I think this is actually PARENT training!

A few minutes of this every so often is usually all it takes.  Children usually respond very quickly and actually bloom!  Dare I say that these training times are even fun?!  The outcome is a secure, confident child who revels in his newfound ability.

Not to mention a calm, joyful mother who is able to enjoy a conversation without running laps after their toddler.

Whenever I experience a particularly bad day with my children, my response is not that I need time away from them or that they are ‘bad’.  No, I usually sigh in disgust at my own lack of consistency and tell them, “Tomorrow is a Training Day!”

And you know what?  They aren’t even bummed.  Chocolate chip rewards help.

Tags: child training, parenting, questions

Tell me about your tattoos.  Is there a story behind them? Where did you get the idea? Do other Christians give you a hard time about them and how do you respond?

If you would’ve told me years ago I’d one day have a tattoo, I’d have laughed and thought you were nutso!  There is a story behind them, beginning with being troubled by inconsistency (in ourselves and others), morphing into a desire to make a thoughtful statement.

Robb is here to tell you all the sordid details.

Robb - I had never considered getting a tattoo.  Never even thought much about them in general.  But the subject of tattoos (and piercing) seems to be one of the favorite hobby horses (in a negative way) of some of the people I have listened to and respected greatly.  It got me to thinking about them, but instead of jumping on the bandwagon with them I was struck head on by my blatant inconsistencies when it came to my biblical beliefs regarding tattoos.

But let’s back up and start at the beginning.  One day I was listening to a daily podcast which I made a habit to check out a few times each week.  It was by a preacher from Colorado who was an advocate of homeschooling.  It was at a time when I appreciated encouragement in that area.  Anyways, he started talking about the evils of tattoos and began to mock those who claimed there could be such a thing as a christian tattoo.  He cited Leviticus 19:28.

This started a long and in depth study of not only the subject of tattoos but also trying to understand if we were bound by the entire Levitcal law including ceremonial laws, etc.

After much study and discussion with other men I respected I decided to email this host and get clarification.  I asked particularly why, if he was so sure about the importance of condemning tattoos, why he himself did not observe the previous verse dealing with rounding off the hair on the temples or marring the edges of your beard (he is clean shaven).  He responded that that was a cultural command dealing with the Jewish people at that time.  He said that while it could be argued the same for tattoos, one should be very cautious about practices of the “pagans”.  I agreed with him on the caution part and said that perhaps the next time the subject came up on the air he could be a bit less dogmatic given what he had just said.

A couple months later I was listening again and sure enough, the very same rant, with no qualifications whatsoever.  This time however, he said that some have suggested that perhaps the Leviticus passage doesn’t apply but how one should notice the very next verse which does apply.  That verse says not to make your daughter a prostitute.

I was dumbfounded.  I became downright angry that someone could misuse Scripture just to justify his little pet issue even after having an honest conversation and taking a moderate and reasonable position with me personally.  Unfortunately, lack of biblical support in conjunction with a condemning attitude is not an uncommon occurrence.

As a result, I guess I became more sympathetic toward my friends who had tattoos.  I began to identify with them more, and increasingly less with the religious nitpicks who I had previously identified with.

At around the same time, Tamra forwarded me a link about the “pagan” roots of wedding rings.  The two concepts of tattoos and wedding bands suddenly merged.  I thought, how perfect… we can get tattooed rings!

I fully expected that they would be a foundation for some interesting discussions.  I almost looked forward to any negative comments.  Guess what…. that never happened.  People said barely a word.

Since then, I have gotten two more tattoos on my arms:  A cross and the words Solus Christus which is latin for Christ Alone, which has huge meaning in my life.

I would love to get another one… or two… or more.  I’ve been thinking about a Trinity knot.

I’ve always heard it said that tattoos are about rebellion.  I guess you could say that I am rebelling against legalism.

Tamra - I also studied the Bible regarding tattoos.  I couldn’t have been more surprised to learn that there was only one verse that dealt directly with it, and which most believe to mean something entirely different (cutting oneself for the dead) than what we know as tattoos today.

So when Robb asked me to pray about it with him, I did so willingly for several weeks.  I realized, along with Robb, that it was more of a heart issue than anything else.

I had to go get mine retouched because most of the scab fell off when it was healing.  That resulted in a much darker tattoo.  So I actually get more comments than Robb.  They’ve all been mainly positive though.

Eight years ago when we were celebrating our seventh anniversary, we purchased new wedding bands.  They were quite pricey, and at the time we were thrilled to replace our cheap bands.  I received so many compliments, but now I cringe at the thought.

Gold, silver, diamonds, etc…  Kind of silly, when you think about it.  Sure, we try to romanticize and even spiritualize the whole thing -How many weddings have you been to that talk about the ‘never ending circle’?  So funny.

You’ve heard the saying, ‘Diamonds are forever”.  Well, what could be more romantic than a wedding band one can’t take off?

Tags: questions

You once mentioned that on Saturday nights your family has a special meal.  I assume that’s different from Family Night on Mondays.  What is it, and what do you do?

On most Saturday nights we do have a special meal to prepare us for Sunday.  It is very loosely based on the Jewish feast Shabbot.  There are several aspects of the meal.

• Praise.  Robb reads the end of Proverbs 31 (the virtuous woman) and then praises me.  Something he admires, appreciates, wants to acknowledge, etc.  Then each of the children take turns praising me as well.  Then, I read Psalm 112 (the righteous man) and praise Robb, and then the children do so as well.  Robb and I each praise each child as well.
• Remembrance/Observance.  I often light 2 candles that represent these two concepts, and we read from Exodus about remembering and observing the Sabbath day.
• Communion.  We all take a bit of bread and pass a glass of wine, reciting the English version of the Hebrew blessing.  “Blessed art thou, O Lord God, King of the Universe, who bringeth forth the bread from the earth” and “Blessed art thou, O Lord God, King of the Universe, who bringeth forth the fruit of the vine.”  I usually make the traditional Challah bread, but sometimes when pressed for time we just have regular bread or even crackers.
• Forgiveness/repentance.  We sing the Psalm “Create In Me a Clean Heart” and there is opportunity to ask forgiveness for any wrongdoing or offense.

This has been such a blessing to set aside a specific time to verbalize our love and admiration for each other, as well as thankfulness for God’s blessings.  The children love to hear uplifting for themselves words from their parents, but they also love to hear Robb and I expressing our appreciation for each other almost as much!

~This week is especially busy and this is all I have time for today.  Send me your questions for next week’s post!

Tags: questions