I planned on writing a bit, just a slice of our life right now, but now that the littles are all down for naps it is already 3:30 and we have company coming for dinner tonight.

(Do you call it supper or dinner? I had just typed supper, when I remembered hearing some radio dj’s make fun of someone who called it ’supper’ so I changed it to ‘dinner’. Supper?! Meatloaf and mixed vegetables?! hahahahaha Steamed broccoli?! hahahaha)

(Yeah, I don’t get it either. Just shows how ooooold I am, I suppose. Tsk. Supper.)

So, here is a vintage post I wrote back when I was pregnant with Callahan. It came to mind recently when I overheard yet another thoughtless comment tossed to a friend of mine who is due in about a week.

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I read an online article today discussing how pregnant bellies are magnets for comments.  For the most part, people are simply excited about the woman’s pregnancy and want to somehow be part of it, and instead of smiling, offering their seat or opening doors, the size of her belly causes a short circuit in most people’s brains, causing them to spout nonsense.  

What they do not realize is that they are not the first or the only person eager to voice their thoughts.  Most pregnant women have listened to an endless stream of comments, ranging from the amusing and inappropriate but well intended, to the downright rude.  It’s as if people forget there is a person with feelings attached to that big, beautiful belly they are in awe of.

Now that I am coming up on the midway mark of my pregnancy, I am once again amazed that the vast majority of people think it is cute to insult pregnant women.  I am already beginning to hear the same old tired remarks revolving around beach balls and watermelons.  “You must be having twins!”  or “Wow. When are you due?” 

I know from past experience that soon I’ll be hearing their opinion about how big I’m getting by the usual, “Looks like you’re ready to pop any minute now!” “You’re still pregnant?” Or just the very simple, to the point, “You’re huge!”  Really?  I hadn’t noticed I was any bigger.  Or how about the “Are you sure there aren’t two in there?” Okay.  So I’m not only big, but I’m big and stupid. 

And my favorite, “How much weight have you gained?”

Then the conversation rarely stops there.  If the Rude Commenter is a woman, now the pregnant woman will have to endure lengthy comparisons to not only the Rude Commenter’s own pregnancy, but their sister’s, mom’s and second cousin’s best friend.  And that’s just a warm up.  Don’t forget the gory labor stories.  Oh yes, they truly believe the poor pregnant woman is hanging on every word, desperate for more.  Hold on a second so I can take notes, please!

The question is, how is one to respond?  On good days, I marvel at what folks, even perfect strangers, will say to a pregnant woman.  Other days, I respond quite differently, either wanting to sob in my closet or hit someone.  If I just smile weakly and mumble a lame answer, am I doing a disservice to that person by encouraging their offensive behavior?  But if I resort to a snappy comeback or sarcasm, I will most likely be shrugged off as a shrew with raging hormones. 

Which may be the case, but is very much beside the point, thankyouverymuch.

Lori posted a comment on the article, writing, “If I was feeling kind of mean I’d sarcastically answer, ‘Wow, that was a really nice thing to say.  You want to tell me my hair looks like [poo], too?’  Or if I was feeling really mean, ‘Actually I’m not even pregnant… It’s a tumor on my liver, and I only have a couple more weeks to live. Thank you so much for reminding me of my impending death.’

A woman named Megan wrote “Ah, yes. The “huge” comments.  It’s simple.  The next time somebody says something just say, “If I told you the same thing, it would be considered rude.”  I love pregnant bellies big or small.  And I always tell the mamas the same thing, ‘You look beautiful.’  There’s nothing more that needs to be said.”

I, too, smile at pregnant women I meet and, when appropriate, tell them they are beautiful. Believe me, its certainly appreciated.  And, no matter who it is, they are lovely!  There is something so amazing about a woman carrying a little infant in her belly.  It’s no wonder it causes people to stare, to feel the need to say something, to want to touch. 

Yet, I could count on one hand the number of times I heard anyone say anything complimentary (not counting my husband and midwife) even counting all five pregnancies.  I’ve heard it said that the ratio between insensitive big comments versus beautiful belly comments is 10 to 1. 

They’re just being nice.  I think it’s more like 100 to 1.

You would think that other mothers would have developed some sensitivity in this area, but they can be the worst.  It’s as if they have completely forgotten how they must have felt at the time they had to endure discourteous manners.  Or perhaps they feel they put their time in being on the receiving end and it’s their due to be on the giving end now.  I swear I catch the glint of payback glee in their eyes.

It’s not just commenting on how huge a belly is.  Friends that don’t tend to show much have told me they get just as many helpful comments.  “Where is that baby hiding?” “Surely you can’t be that far along!”  “Are you eating enough?” “Is the baby alright?”  Way to encourage her, folks.  I’m sure she’ll take your list of questions to the doctor on her next visit.

There really aren’t many times a person is open season (well, besides turning forty and sporting a bald head). I’ve often fantasized about responding in kind to thoughtless big belly remarks. “Looks like your mother cut your hair.  I know of someone that does a really good job.”  “Don’t you just hate facial acne?”  “Where do you shop?”  “You must have a thyroid problem.”  “You’re still here?”  Oh, but that would just be mean.

Here are some suggestions of things to say to the next pregnant woman you see.  You could keep it simple with “Congratulations!” or “When are you expecting your blessing to be born?”  Some better comments would be “It’s so wonderful to see a woman carrying a child.” or “You carry really well!”  Even better is “You look absolutely gorgeous (beautiful, breathtaking, amazing)!”

But if you really want to make her day (and you’re a fellow female) tell her “From the back I couldn’t even tell you were pregnant!”  Ah, she will love you forever.

Yes, it would be the kind and polite thing for me to say that people are just oblivious to basic social etiquette regarding pregnant women and their bellies. But hey, I’m pregnant and hormonal myself right now so I’ll tell the truth and say that most could use a little smack on their flapping lips.  Okay, a big smack.

Research shows that pregnant women are caused undue stress from people’s rude comments.  Research also shows pregnant women cannot be held responsible for what raging preggo hormones cause them to do in response to undue stress.  I read it on the Internet so it must be true.

Consider yourself warned.

Originally published November 2007