For hurting spouses, what forgiveness is in marriage.

James MacDonald talks about what the Bible says about marriage.

The other day, I wrote about married couples loving each other with a servant’s love.

I’ve been thinking about this further, especially as it pertains to stay-at-home moms.

In our home, I have learned that flexibility is a necessary trait to have as a wife.  For instance, it is not unusual for suppertime to be anywhere between 5 pm to 9 pm.  It’s not as if Robb punches a time clock, ensuring he arrives home at the same time each day.  Some weeks he works thirty hours.  Other weeks he’s away for sixty.

My job is to create a place that is a haven for him to return to.  Sometimes that means having to eat without him if it’s too late for the children to wait, but then making/reheating a meal when he does arrive.  It means greeting him with a smile.  It means allowing him the time to unwind.

It is not my job to call him twenty times, wondering where he is.  It is not my job to stew and fret about dinner getting cold.  It is not my job to feel sorry for myself, allowing the loneliness of the evening and the frustration of caring for tired/hungry young children to steal my joy.

Growing up, I was blessed with the example of my mother in this area.  My Dad owns a business, and the hours can be long and irregular.  She did what she could to provide a happy, family environment for us all.  Dad may have come home tired and late, the phone may have rang off the hook during supper, and we may have had to change plans to accommodate his work, but what I remember is laughing and talking around the table and Mom and Dad’s affection with us and each other.  Because she was flexible.

I thought of that often when Robb and I first married.  I was home alone most of the day, as my college classes had not started yet.  Robb worked from about 6 am to 11 pm.  When he was home, he mostly slept from pure exhaustion.  I had to learn how to fill my time, be content with the little time we did have together, and (yes, you guessed it) learn to be flexible.

So many young wives were raised in homes with fathers who had extremely regular working hours, or even very few working hours.  They are accustomed to a home life in which the husband/father is often home, and always on time.

But those times are fast disappearing.  People must often work harder and longer, for less money.  If a wife is not used to this lifestyle, it can be difficult for her to adapt to.

Oh, I know all too well how caring for young children can be emotionally and physically draining, and how a SAHM can yearn for the sound of his vehicle in the driveway, signaling a break in the long day!  I also know how difficult it is when those hours stretch into seemingly unending days when he works late.  If she is not careful, she will add to her husband’s burden by complaining, stressing how difficult it is for her, and questioning his abilities, competency, and even integrity.

Be flexible.  It’s one of the best gifts we can give our spouse.

Newlyweds.

That word conjures up a lot of emotions.  Maybe for some they’re along the lines of bliss, excitement, newness, and romance.  Sometimes, it would be more correct to use words like confusion, shyness, disappointment, and hurt.

Whatever your experience, it always includes learning.

The first couple weeks, even years, of a wedded couple are spent learning about each other.  Even if you knew a person well, there will still be more, more than you ever imagined, to learn about them.

There can be a lot of expectations and hope tied up in the idea of marriage.  In some ways, the reality is better than we had imagined it would be.   In other ways, it is a huge letdown.  She never imagined picking up his dirty underwear and damp towel off the floor every single day.  He never imagined that she would ignore his intimate advances.

In a series of teachings through the Song of Solomon, The Peasant Princess, Mark Driscoll from Mars Hill Church in Seattle talks about the first seven years of marriage being the most difficult.  He makes the point that it is due to the fact that each is learning how to love with a servant’s love.

See, we tend to love each other with a selfish love.  It’s easy to say you don’t do this, but examine yourself for a minute.

Are your feelings toward your spouse affected greatly by their level of appreciation or affection?  When they display irritation or anger, how do you respond?  Do you expect certain responses when you do something extra kind for them?  Do you withhold love, respect, affection, intimacy, etc if you feel they haven’t ‘deserved’ it?

The Bible instructs believers to love with a servant’s love.  For wives to respect their husbands even when they haven’t acted worthy of respect.  For husbands to love their wives even when she is unloving.

During the first several years of marriage, couples dance around each other in a sometimes thrilling, sometimes raging song, while they take turns giving and taking, hurting and forgiving.

Some couples never get past this time, and the wounds given and received during battles fester and seek to infect the marriage.

Even when couples do take the lessons learned to heart, finding what it means to love as a servant, every once in a while the selfish side in each of us threatens to undo the loving ties that bind our hearts together.

I know from talking with friends and from personal experience that we wives are the ones who tend to expect too much from our unsuspecting husbands.  We want him to be our everything, from a listening ear to a fun shopping companion.  We want him to romance us and take out the garbage without being asked.  We want him to hurry  home to us each day full of the anticipation of spending time with us, hanging on our every word.

He may or may not do those things.  The problem is, when we feel our needs aren’t met do we become resentful and bitter?  Do we question whether we made a mistake to marry such a man?  Do we become demanding or fall back on the silent treatment method?

Loneliness is not a stranger to a wife. (This seems to be especially felt if she never lived on her own, and if she stays home during the day.)  Wives, don’t allow loneliness to eat away at you, and your marriage.  Seek to fill your time wisely and purposefully.  Expecting your husband to meet all of your emotional needs is a recipe for disappointment.  As you become confidant in your own role, he will appreciatively admire you, sighing with relief as the burden for providing your happiness is lifted off his shoulders.

As for husbands, I think if you knew how deeply your words and responses affect the heart of your young wife, you would be very careful to treat her tenderly and lovingly.  Yes, we tend to take offense where none is meant.  Yes, we misunderstand the ways in which males handle pressure, passion, and pain. But the fact remains that you are to be her protector.  That makes it all the more painful when you are the source of the sorrow.

You may realize you’ve caused hurt and then apologize, but trust may have been broken.  Although she may forgive you with all her heart, there is time required before that trust is fully restored.

Seek to know, understand and honor your wife - To live with her in understanding, as the Bible states it.  Be patient with her, pray with her, and take note of what brings her joy.

And you can both enjoy learning what it means to love with a servant’s love!

I know these aren’t easy questions, but your views, (on one, some, or all of the questions) would be of great help to me with something I am working on.

You can leave your answers in the comments, or send me an email… tamra dot klaty at grandscapes dot com.

1. How would you describe real, lasting love?
2. What makes a marriage work?
3. Do you view marriage as more of a contract or a covenant?
4. How do you know if someone is the ‘right’ one to marry?
5. What if you fall out of love with your spouse?
6. What is (are) your guideline(s) for solving disagreements?
7. What is (are) your guideline(s) for defining roles?
8. What are your expectations of marriage?
9. If you are married, have those expectations been met?

Anonymous commenters are welcome!

We were married on this day back in 1993. Yeah, we were young. Yeah, I was fresh out of high school. And, yeah, our marriage pretty much rocks.

Happy Anniversary to us!

For the most part, relationships are built or destroyed not by periodic big events, but through how we interact in everyday life.

Our connection with someone is affected mainly by our daily actions and seemingly insignificant comments.

A child notices the offhand remark their parent made about how they can’t wait until they’re back in school (and therefore out of their hair).  They were impacted by the snarky mention of not wanting any more kids (brats!) or how their particular age is so annoying/frustrating.

A wife or husband internalizes the thoughtless but rude response their spouse had over a minor irritation.  The belittling joke has repercussions.  Being ignored or enduring a preoccupied spouse make an impression.

It’s not all bad though.

A child is also encouraged from a moment of praise. They are reassured by a quick hug.  They respond to your smiles.

A spouse thrives on affection; verbal and physical.  A quick note or an admiring remark can brighten an entire week.  Doing even a simple chore for them is a surprise that stimulates endearment.

Little things can either chip away or reinforce devotion.

Use the little things everyday to build up the ones you love.

Some would argue that men and women were each created with unique urges - Men to have dominion and women to nurture. 

This may be debatable, but looking around me I would tend to agree. Just look at what happens when those needs aren’t met naturally so men and women seek to fulfill them in their own way.

Yes, that would be a lawnmower.

What ways do you see people attempting to fulfill their inborn urges?

“The assault on marriage and family..”

You hear it everywhere on talk shows and read about it in articles.  If we were to believe what they are purporting, the biggest enemy of marriage and families is the government, along with the help of homosexuals and pro-choicers.

But is that true?

Consider what a young man recently wrote:

“Just read this quote: “If we cannot by reason, by influence, by example, by strenuous effort, and by personal sacrifice, mend the bad places of civilization, we certainly cannot do it by force.” - Auberon Herbert

Nothing will benefit families (to pick just one important piece of society) like men and women dedicating themselves to their families and teaching their neighbors and younger couples do the same. Divorce is a far bigger threat to families than gay marriage, and you can’t fix troubled marriages by banning divorce.

Of course, Herbert wasn’t quite right. Ultimately saving families, or anything else good, requires God’s grace and truth.”

To which I give a hearty Amen!  (emphasis mine)

Once again, I would say that the problem isn’t so much “out there” somewhere.  It is in our own hearts.  Pride, lust, and selfishness do far more to destroy marriages and families than anything else.  The Devil has been around for a looooooong time!

Some say we have to fight for what is right.  I agree, but we probably differ on what it means “to fight”.  I don’t believe laws, picketing or boycotts will change a thing.

Oh, we need to fight all right, namely our own sinful bent and the snares of the Devil!

We are all called to proclaim the Gospel, the message of Good News.  Through understanding that we only have what we have through saving grace and not by our right choices, we then share that joyful news with those around us.

...and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace.  In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak. ~ Eph 6